Editing Beachcomber (pen name) (section)

==Recurrent characters==

*Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot: well-meaning but ineffectual [[High Court judge (England and Wales)|High Court judge]], plagued by litigation involving the twelve red-bearded dwarfs. Often appears in ''[[Private Eye]]''.
*Mrs. Justice Cocklecarrot: Mr. Cocklecarrot's wife.  Very silent, until she observes that "Wivens has fallen down a manhole". An enquiry from the judge as to which Wivens that would be elicits the response "E. D. Wivens". After a worrying interval she reveals that E. D. Wivens is a cat. His Lordship observes that cats do not have initials, to which she replies, "This one does".
*Tinklebury Snapdriver and Honeygander Gooseboote: two [[Barrister|counsel]]. The elbow of one has a mysterious tendency to become jammed in the jaws of the other. 
*Twelve red-bearded [[dwarfism|dwarfs]], with a penchant for farcical [[litigation]]. Their names "appear to be" Scorpion de Rooftrouser, Cleveland Zackhouse, Frums Gillygottle, Edeledel Edel, Churm [[Rincewind]], Sophus Barkayo-Tong, Amaninter Axling, Guttergorm Guttergormpton, Badly Oronparser, Listenis Youghaupt, Molonay Tubilderborst and Farjole Merrybody.  They admit that these are not genuine names, one of them stating that his real name is "Bogus". (Further red-bearded dwarfs, to the number of forty-one, appear in other litigation.)
*Captain Foulenough: archetypal cad and [[Gate_crashing|gatecrasher]] who impersonates the [[upper class]] in order to wreck their social events.  Educated at '''Narkover''', a school specializing in [[card game|card-playing]], horse-racing and bribery. His title of "Captain" is probably spurious;<ref>One story attributes it to the fact that he once commanded a canal barge.</ref> but even if it had been a genuine military title, his use of it in civilian life, when at that time only officers who had achieved the rank of Major and above were allowed to do so, gives a subtle hint as to his nature.
*Mountfalcon Foulenough: the Captain's [[prig]]gish nephew, who brings havoc to Narkover and "makes virtue seem even more horrifying than usual".
*[[Ars longa, vita brevis|Vita Brevis]]: debutante frequently plagued by, but with a certain reluctant admiration for, Captain Foulenough.
*Dr. Smart-Allick: genteel, but ludicrous and criminal, [[headmaster]] of Narkover.
*Miss Topsy Turvey: neighbouring [[headmistress]], courted by Smart-Allick.
*Dr. [[Strabismus]] (whom God preserve) of [[Utrecht]]: eccentric scientist and inventor.
*The announcement of the annual list of [[Huntingdonshire]] [[Hackney cab|Cabmen]], with an enthusiastic endorsement of an arbitrary page.
*Lord [[Shortcake]]: absent-minded [[Peerage|peer]] obsessed by his enormous collection of [[goldfish]].
*Mrs. McGurgle: seaside [[landlady]].  Fearsomely British, until she decides to reinvent her house as "Hôtel McGurgle et de l'Univers" to attract the tourists.<ref>There is some inconsistency about her maiden name.  One correspondent calls her "Florrie Palmer as was", but the [[narrator]] says that she was a Gurricle, from Crabhampton.</ref>
*Ministry of Bubbleblowing: possible ancestor of [[Monty Python]]'s [[The Ministry of Silly Walks|Ministry of Silly Walks]].
*Charlie Suet: disastrous [[Civil Service (United Kingdom)|civil servant]].
*Mimsie Slopcorner: Charlie's on-off girlfriend, an ill-informed and irritating [[social activist]].
*The Filthistan Trio: Ashura, Kazbulah and Rizamughan, three [[Persian people|Persians]] from "Thurralibad", two of whom play [[seesaw]] on a plank laid across the third.  They have a series of contretemps with British [[bureaucracy]] and the artistic [[The Establishment|establishment]], in which the trio generally represents the voice of reason.
*Dingi-Poos: the Tibetan Venus.  She obtains desirable commercial contracts by using her charms to hoodwink visiting British [[diplomacy|envoy]]s, principally Colonel Egham and Duncan Mince.
*Big White Carstairs: [[John Buchan|Buchanesque]] [[British Empire|empire builder]], with a tendency to mislay his [[white tie|dress trousers]].
*O. Thake: naive, accident-prone [[Old Etonian]] and man-about-town.
*Lady Cabstanleigh: [[upper class|Society]] hostess.
*Stultitia: Cabstanleigh's niece, a playwright.
*Boubou Flaring: glamorous but vacuous actress.
*Emilia Rustiguzzi: voluminous (both in bulk and in decibels) opera singer.
*Tumbelova, Serge Trouserin, Chuckusafiva: ballet dancers.
*Colin Velvette: ballet [[impresario]].
*"Thunderbolt" Footle: handsome, socially celebrated boxer, who can do everything except actually fight.
*The M'Babwa of M'Gonkawiwi: African chief, who occasions great administrative problems in connection with his invitation to the [[Coronation of George VI and Elizabeth|coronation of King George VI]].
*The Clam of Chowdah: oriental [[wikt:potentate|potentate]]
*Mrs. Wretch: formerly the glamorous circus performer Miss Whackaway, now wife to Colonel Wretch and "horrible welfare worker".
*Roland Milk: insipid poet (possible ancestor of ''[[Private Eye]]''{{'}}s "[[E. J. Thribb]]").
*Prodnose: humourless, reasonable oaf who interrupts Beachcomber's flights of fancy. (The name is journalistic slang for a sub-editor; the broadcaster [[Danny Baker]] has appropriated it as his [[Twitter]] name.)